cocoapuffs.wav (64.6k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
"I've got the answer!" Joel:
"It's Cocoa Puffs, Bob! I have no idea why but it fits the
equation! Check it out!"
dud.wav
(172.5k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
Crow: "Oh, I'm scared! I'm sorry
I stole those batteries in the 3rd grade...Hey! It's the Amazing
Colossal Dud!" Joel: "Hit it! Wiggle the plug or something!"
fluffy.wav
(44.1k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
Tom: "Well Fluffy, time to shave
your butt and put cosmetics all over it!"
growing.wav
(65.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
Joel: "Oh my goodness, I'm growing
so fast I'm giving myself a wedgie!"
lasagna.wav
(52.4k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
Tom: "Hey, that's pasta! He's the Amazing Colossal Lasagna now!"
scare.wav (118.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
"I uhh.." All: "AHH!!"
Tom: "Don't ever do that! Jeez!"
toysrus.wav
(76.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man
"I just don't want to grow anymore."
Joel: "I'm a Toys R Us kid." "I don't want to grow
anymore!" Joel: "I'm a Toys R Us kid!"
bong.wav
(46.8k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"Do you think this is just a trumpet?
No!" Joel: "It's a bong!"
fun.wav
(51.7k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"Fun, fun, fun!" Crow: "That's
nice. MOM!!"
ill.wav
(41.4k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"Well, that's what I'm here for!"
Crow: "I feel ill." Tom: "Me too."
listen.wav
(32.0k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"You listen to him, Buzz!" Joel: "Or I'll kill you!"
perky.wav (25.5k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
Crow: "She's so perky! Kill her!"
psychotic.wav
(43.8k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
Tom: "See Buzz, it's really fun
to be psychotic!"
satan.wav
(51.1k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"When he reaches for the spirit!"
Tom: "Ah. Calls for Satan!"
sexless.wav
(46.2k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)
"It sure does matter!" Tom:
"Oh, excuse me sexless man-woman!"
easyspirit.wav
(138.1k) - #404, Teenagers from Outer Space
Tom: "Those Easy Spirit pumps saved
her hash!"
badmovie.wav
(50.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "Hey, somebody filming a bad
movie out here?"
halfhour.wav
(69.5k) - #424, "Manos":The Hands of Fate
Tom: "So, what are we, about a half
hour into this movie?" Joel: "No, I'm afraid not, it's
more like a minute." Tom: "No.." Joel: "Yeah."
jail.wav
(50.5k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate (Hired!
Part 2 short)
"He worked that hard with every
man he ever hired" Crow: "He got sent to jail for it."
leadership.wav
(102.8k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate (Hired!
Part 2 short)
Joel: "We're gonna have leadership
the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head!
You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!"
manos1.wav
(41.1k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "Manos!" Crow: "The
Hands of Fate?" Joel: "Yes."
manos2.wav
(47.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Crow: "Yes, it's Manos, The Hands
of Fate!"
master.wav
(83.8k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
"I am Torgo. I take care of the
place while the master is away." Joel: "The master?
Bobby Fisher?"
nowayout.wav
(78.4k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
"There is no way out of here. It'll
be dark soon. There is no way out of here." Joel: "It'll
be dark soon."
protocol1.wav
(105.5k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "These are my robots, Tom
Servo and Crow, and I've installed in them a protocol module that
makes them believe everything I think, say, or do is utterly brilliant."
Crow: "And it is, Joel! God, yes!"
protocol2.wav
(162.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Crow: "You always cut right to the
heart of things, Joel!" Joel: "Yeah, I'm going to remove
those modules." Tom: "No, no, no! Just shut me down
completely!" Crow: "Jettison me into space, please!"
Tom: "Oh yes, disconnect with extreme prejudice!" Crow:
"You see this butt? Kick this butt!" Joel: "We'll
be right back."
protocol3.wav
(124.7k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "....protocol module, right
there." Crow: "Don't touch me, don't ever touch me!
You sorry..." Tom: *sniffs* Geez Joel, some small animal
crawl inside your jumpsuit and die?" Joel: "There's
the bots I know and love!"
realbitch.wav
(50.7k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
"Hey Maggie, the damn car won't
start!" Crow: "Yeah, that's a real bitch daddy."
snuff.wav
(64.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Crow: "Joel, this is gonna turn
into a snuff film." Joel: "Oh, the Mads wouldn't do
this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it."
thriller.wav
(52.1k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "Boy, this is a taut thriller,
huh?" Crow: "Manos, The Hands of Fate."
torgotheme.wav
(51.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Crow: "The haunting Torgo theme."
torgowalks.wav
(84.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate
Joel: "That's not how you wear your
Depends, Torgo." Crow: "Been hittin' the Thighmaster,
Torgo?"
booze.wav
(61.0k) - #507, I Accuse My Parents
Crow: "Brought to you by the Booze
Council, because booze really satisfies." Joel: "Booze
takes a dull party and makes it better!" Tom: "Booze
makes you popular and heals all wounds!" All: "B-double
O-Z-E! Booze!"
cantimagine.wav
(30.5k) - #512, Mitchell
Crow: "I can't imagine why Mitchell 2 never came out."
heroin.wav (52.8k) - #512, Mitchell
"What about the heroin, Mr. Cummins?"
"Forget the heroin." Joel: "That's for dessert!"
joedonbaker.wav
(78.2k) - #512, Mitchell
Dr. Forrester: "Right...here it
is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker." Mike: "You guys
watch Joe Don Baker movies?" Frank: "Oh, look.."
mitchell.wav
(182.6k) - #512, Mitchell
Dr. Forrester: "Well, here it comes,
Joel...Mitchell! It's uhh, super-secret spy, has a motorcycle,
marooned in space, meets Hercules...or not! Uhh, watch it and
weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send him the movie, Frank."
mitchelltheme.wav
(155.6k) - #512, Mitchell
Joel: "Mitchell! Mitchell!"
Tom: "I am the sandwich!" Joel: "Mitchell!"
Tom: "Heart-poundin'!" Joel: "Mitchell!" Tom:
"Veins cloggin'!" Both: "Mitchell! Wakka chikka
wakka..." moviesigns.wav
(56.5k) - #512, Mitchell (Thanks Alicia!) Joel: "I like the way you..."
All: "MOVIE SIGNS!"
Tom: "Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?" Crow: "Mitchell!" Tom: "That Mitchell is one bad..." Crow: "Shut yo mouth!" Tom: "Just talking about Mitchell!" Crow: "Looks like Grendel."
slob.wav (72.0k) - #512, Mitchell
"There's a police investigation
going on here." Joel: "Oh, there is? I thought there
was just a big slob walking around my house."
slouch.wav
(23.5k) - #512, Mitchell
Joel: "Mitchell, liscense to slouch."
outofafrica.wav
(36.4k) - #802, Leech Woman
Tom: "Out of Africa." Mike:
"No, no! There's more in the trunk!"
sceneoverthere.wav
(40.9k) - #802, Leech Woman
Crow: "Why, that's our scene over
there! What are we doing here? Gosh!"
creditserupt.wav
(55.9k) - #803, The Mole People
Mike: "Mount Pinatubo erupted yesterday,
spewing movie credits all over the southern hemisphere."
milehigh1.wav
(168.6k) - #803, The Mole People
Mike: "You know, I think I'll just
have a slice of Crow's mile high merengue pie." Crow: "Oh,
but it really is a mile high, Mike." Mike: "Oh, great."
Crow: "5,280 feet straight up!" Mike: "Yeah, well,
I like merengue." Crow: "Well, I have to go up there
and cut it, you see." Mike: "I'll wait." Tom: "Start
climbing!"
milehigh2.wav
(184.9k) - #803, The Mole People
[Crow falls off the mile high pie] Mike:
"Can I get that to go?"
wedgie.wav
(19.7k) - #803, The Mole People
Crow: "Filmed in Wedgie Vision!"
corman.wav
(34.9k) - #806, The Undead
Crow: "Corman's theory of directing:
Light and get away!"
sleep.wav
(22.3k) - #806, The Undead
Tom: "And now SLEEP!"
stay.wav
(23.9k) - #806, The Undead
Mike: "I have a suggestion. STAY!"
why.wav
(327.3k) - #806, The Undead
Observer: "The human though, hmm,
all his answers read 'Why? Why? Why?'" Mike: Well, I'm kind
of having a bad day. I'm better now, though. Crow bit me again."
black.wav
(39.0k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!
Crow: "Filmed in glorious black
and...slightly less black."
terror1.wav
(60.3k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!
Tom: "Um, the terror should be underway
at any moment now, so if you'll just be patient!"
terror2.wav
(65.5k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!
Tom: "There seems to be some sort
of delay on the terror. I'll just go in back and check what the
problem is."
terror3.wav
(36.8k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!
Tom: "Folks, I checked the stock,
and terror is on back order."
infinity.wav
(59.8k) - #808, The She Creature
Mike: "Well, here we go!" Tom:
"To infinity and..." Crow: "Shh! Disney! Lawsuit!"
Tom: "..and some other places!"
lombardi.wav
(123.4k) - #808, The She Creature
Crow: "That's right, Tickle Me Carlo
Lombardi is your friend FOREVER! Yeah, and I made him sticky so
he's even more fun!"
stumpgrinder.wav
(68.7k) - #808, The She Creature
Mike: "Man, if I ever wanted to
put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one!" Tom:
"Yeah, me too."
jerk.wav
(44.4k) - #809, I Was a Teenage Werewolf
Tom: "Well know this, Captain James
T. Jerk, your job is hanging by a thread."
killme.wav
(38.8k) - #809, I Was a Teenage Werewolf
Crow: "Mike, I'm going to ask you
to kill me now. Mike, please kill me!"
ending.wav
(82.7k) - #811, Parts: The Clonus Horror
Crow: "You know, this doesn't look
like it's heading toward a happy ending." Mike: "You
know, any ending would make me happier than I've ever been."
Crow: "That's true."
sandler.wav
(49.7k) - #811, Parts: The Clonus Horror
"You saw the tape?" "Yeah, it's scary!" Crow: "Adam Sandler's in it!"
chicken.wav (45.7k) - #813, Jack Frost
Crow: "This is a test of the Emergency
Broadcast Chicken."
pigsleigh.wav
(46.8k) - #813, Jack Frost
Crow: "Yes, every culture's mythology
features the young hero chasing a pig sleigh."
scepter.wav
(81.2k) - #813, Jack Frost
"Any living creature who touches my magic scepter will never wake up again." Crow: "Admittedly, it's a design flaw, but..."
unattractive.wav (32.6k) - #813, Jack Frost
Crow: "Proving again that slightly
unattractive people are evil!"
disclaimer.wav
(71.7k) - #814, Riding with Death
Mike: "All characters depicted are
really stupid and disgusting." Tom: "Any similarity
to actual persons would be really sad."
hand.wav
(174.7k) - #814, Riding with Death
Crow: "You cut my hand up and serve
it to me. Good. The thing is I'm so hungry, it looks good to me.
Tom: "I know." Crow: "My own hand looks delicious!
You see what you've done to me, Mike?! You see what you've done?!"
Tom: "You folks'd better not see any more of this. We'll
be right back." Crow: "Fry my head." Tom: "Not,
the head, Crow, not the head, no!" Crow: "Go ahead!"
tvgm.wav
(41.1k) - #814, Riding with Death
Crow: "For I am Turkey Volume Guessing
Man!"
wells.wav
(31.5k) - #814, Riding with Death
Tom: "Not THE H.G. Wells, Hud Gomer
Wells."
bleeped.wav
(479.1k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.
Crow: "This thing on? Oh, okay.
Hi, I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson
is innocent! Mike Nelson is 200% (bleep) not guilty! And if you
(bleep) don't (bleep) find him innocent, you can just (bleep)
kiss my fat (bleep) (bleep). And that (bleep) goes for your bull(bleep)
court system too! Mike, I'm so (bleep) sorry I couldn't (bleep)
be there for this (bleep) (bleep) completely bogus trial, man.
But let me (bleep) tell you something Nelson, if I was there,
I'd (bleep) kick everyone's fat, stupid mother(bleep) behinds,
and then cram it up their (bleep) (bleep). Anyway Mike buddy,
I hope this (bleep) helps. Take care, Mike!
outoforder.wav
(105.6k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.
Pearl: "No, you're out of order!"
Bobo: "No, you're out of order! You're out of order! The
courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room
is out of order!"
spymovie.wav
(86.9k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.
Tom: "By this time in a James Bond
movie there'd have been ten helicopter explosions, eight ski chases..."
Mike: "This spy movie's just kinda hanging around the house."
vomiting.wav
(26.3k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.
Mike: "This movie can be used to induce vomiting."
dearjapan.wav (36.1k) - #816, Prince of Space
Tom: "Dear Japan, bite me! Love, Prince of Space."
ocean.wav (34.9k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach
Crow: "You know, come to think of it, the ocean really sucks."
pantyraid.wav (46.7k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach
Crow: "Every male of any species
has the biological urge to panty raid."
shinola.wav
(32.6k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach
Tom: "Authorities don't know shinola
from that other stuff."
sodium.wav
(355.1k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach
The Sodium Song
nowhere.wav
(33.0k) - #818, Devil Doll
Mike: "Oh. That scene's going nowhere,
let's try a new one!"
strudel.wav
(18.6k) - #818, Devil Doll
Tom: "Bite me, I'm a Toaster Strudel!"
eyelashes.wav
(333.7k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Crow: "Ohh, this is not good! Though
Nelson promised a quick return of the nanite forces, the war for
his eyelashes lasted well to December. Thousands were cut down
defending a blasted little patch of Nelson's T-zone, known as
Follicle Hill." Mike: "Would you guys knock it off?
I mean, you're the ones who wanted this war anyway!" Tom:
"It's too late to apologize now, Mike!" Crow: "Right."
Mike: "Wait a minute, can't the nanites just fix themselves?"
Tom: "Oh sure, no problem!" Mike: "Well then what..ow!
Ow!"
kidsrunning.wav
(172.0k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Mike: "You know, I wish the running
would never stop!" Tom and Crow: "Yeah." Mike:
"I mean it! I simply can't get enough shots of these kids
running! No really! Literally, there is no limit to how much I
want to see it!" Crow: "Just a little sarcastic maybe,
Mike?" Mike: "Maybe just a touch."
outofmovie.wav
(22.1k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Mike: "Let's get out of this movie!
Step on it!"
spacechief.wav
(94.6k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Tom: "You know, Space Chief should try going up into space sometime." Crow: "Yeah. He's more like Lower Atmosphere Chief." Mike: "Barely Off the Stupid Ground Chief."
stick.wav (45.7k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Crow: "A tiny stick! No! Cancel the invasion!"
stockfootage.wav (186.3k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men
Crow: "So, do any of you guys know
a song about stock footage that can get us through this?"
Tom: "Oh, I know a song about stock footage. Goes like this...Da
da da da da dum...Eat it movie!" Crow and Mike: "Whoa!"
Tom: "Take this stupid little cockroach of a film, roll it
up sooo tight, and then ram it right..." Mike: "Okay,
okay. You're okay. You're all right."
bobjohnson.wav
(42.1k) - #820, Space Mutiny
Crow: "Slate Fistcrunch!" Mike:
"Buff Hardpeck!" Tom: "Bob Johnson!"
buckplankchest.wav
(79.3k) - #820, Space Mutiny
Mike: "Buck Plankchest!" Crow:
"Stump Junkman!" Tom: "Dirk Hardpeck!" Mike:
"Rip Steakface!" Crow: "Flake Slabrock!" Tom:
"Crud Bonemeal!"
edgeofseat.wav
(93.7k) - #820, Space Mutiny
Crow: "I am on the edge of my seat! I should probably scoot back a little, it'd be more comfortable." Mike: "Yeah, you've got a lot more room there if you'd just go back."
future.wav (33.8k) - #820, Space Mutiny
Crow: "Wall-mounted keyboards. It
must be the future!"
speedsof3.wav
(31.1k) - #820, Space Mutiny
Crow: "Put your helmet on, we'll
be reaching speeds of 3!"
baldness.wav
(38.5k) - #821, Time Chasers
Tom: "You've got male pattern baldness!"
vermont.wav
(37.1k) - #821, Time Chasers
Crow: "Filmed in Vermont, the other,
smaller Wisconsin!"
anteater1.wav
(66.2k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
"An anteater, maybe" Crow:
"Whoa! Huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!
anteater2.wav
(44.8k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
"At least I'm not an anteater." Mike: "This movie just hates anteaters!" Crow: "Unbelievable!"
apathy.wav (29.7k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
Crow: "You know, my apathy is palpable at this point."
died.wav (16.0k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
Crow: " I seem to have died. Is that okay?"
captaindork.wav (41.4k) - #903, Puma Man
Mike: "They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake."
flies.wav (35.9k) - #903, Puma Man
Crow: "Puma Man, he flies like a moron!"
pumaman.wav (88.2k) - #903, Puma Man
"The Puma Man!" Tom: "Does
that sound right?" "The Puma Man!" Tom: "I
think that's what I mean to say." "The Puma Man!"
Tom: "Now it just sounds funny."
2485.wav
(59.2k) - MST3K: The Movie
"There are 2486 parts" [crunch]
Crow: "485, sir!"
boxes.wav
(43.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
Mike: "Joe, I'm in one of these
boxes! Find Me!
calculations.wav
(100.5k) - MST3K: The Movie
Crow: "Wow, this is confusing! Mike, you want to hand me my calculations? Thank you! Well, look at that! Breach hull, all die..Even had it underlined!"
crappyplan.wav (50.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
"When I stop we'll pile out and
take cover, fast!" Crow: "Sounds like a really crappy
plan, but okay."
credits.wav
(23.1k) - MST3K: The Movie
Crow: "Hey, who sneezed on the credits?"
dragnet.wav
(128.7k) - MST3K: The Movie
Crow: "Exeter died on impact. Brack
was arraigned in Superior Court, county of Los Angeles. In a moment,
the results of that trial." Tom: "This Island Earth!"
flashgordon.wav
(51.4k) - MST3K: The Movie
"Check the rate of radioactive decay"
Crow: "Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science
stuff around!"
hubble.wav
(89.7k) - MST3K: The Movie
Tom: "What the hell?" Crow:
"Hey Mike, you hit something! It's the Hubble! You killed
the Hubble!"
landlady.wav
(70.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
Mike: "Boy, the landlady's going
to be mad!" *knocking sound* Tom: "Are you boys cooking
up there?" Mike: "No." Tom: "Are you making
an Interocetor?" Mike: "No!"
magnetized.wav
(91.4k) - MST3K: The Movie
"Place your hands above the rails.
They're magnetized." Mike: "And if your hands were metal
that would mean something."
mikebroke.wav
(40.4k) - MST3K: The Movie
Tom and Crow: "Mike broke the Hubble!
Mike broke the Hubble!" Gypsy: "Boys!"
naughtyboy.wav
(87.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
Dr. Forrester: "HAHAHA! I'm a naughty
boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty! Well..."
nocontrol.wav
(46.2k) - MST3K: The Movie
"Cal, what's wrong?" "I
have no control." Mike: "I keep eating and eating!"
normalview.wav
(188.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
"That's enough, normal view."
Tom, Crow, and Mike: "Normal view! Normal view! Normal view!
NORMAL VIEW!"
notanalien.wav
(71.6k) - MST3K: The Movie
"What do you think of Mr. Mozart,
Exeter?" "I'm afraid I don't know the gentleman."
Tom: "I'm not an alien!"
notmyfather.wav
(32.3k) - MST3K: The Movie
"You know what my kids would say..."
Tom: "You're not my real father!"
pants.wav
(79.7k) - MST3K: The Movie
"Doctor, it's not possible that
a man of your scientific curiosity wouldn't want to know who I
am, where I come from..." Tom: "If I have pants on."
rando.wav
(86.7k) - MST3K: The Movie
Mike: "The Amazing Rando!"
Tom: "Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very
mind!" Crow: "Now we've never met before, have we?"
script.wav
(43.0k) - MST3K: The Movie
Tom: "Ahh, the script has finally arrived!"
weenieman.wav (70.6k) - MST3K: The Movie
Crow: "This is a job for Weenie Man! Into the Weeniemobile, Weenie Man away!"
godzilla.wav (358.5k) - Summer Blockbuster Review
Crow: "We'd like to be able to show
you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but
we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of (bleep).
Even saying (bleep) will get the bejeebers sued out of you, so
I've made my own giant lizard movie to offer as an alternative
to (bleep). Enjoy, won't us? (Plays lizard movie) There. And it's
Matthew Broderick free! And Mike paid a quarter to watch it, so
it's already made more profit than (bleep).
24hour.wav
(32.5k) - ?
Crow: "24-hour technical service?! Takes you 24 hours just to pick up the stupid phone!
Mike: "Barney's been in a fire!"
Crow: "I love you, you burn me!"
big_gulp.wav
(76.7k) - ?
Joel: "I've got it. I walk around,
totally naked, holding a Big Gulp Terminator 2 glass." Crow:
"I could see you doing that."
biteme.wav
(30.8k) - ?
Frank: "Oh bite me, it's fun!"
Crow: "Soylent Green is made from
people!"
lovetheme.wav
(680.4k) - Love theme to MST3K
mst3k.mid
(19.5k) - The opening theme to MST3K