cocoapuffs.wav (64.6k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

"I've got the answer!" Joel: "It's Cocoa Puffs, Bob! I have no idea why but it fits the equation! Check it out!"

dud.wav (172.5k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

Crow: "Oh, I'm scared! I'm sorry I stole those batteries in the 3rd grade...Hey! It's the Amazing Colossal Dud!" Joel: "Hit it! Wiggle the plug or something!"

fluffy.wav (44.1k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

Tom: "Well Fluffy, time to shave your butt and put cosmetics all over it!"

growing.wav (65.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

Joel: "Oh my goodness, I'm growing so fast I'm giving myself a wedgie!"

lasagna.wav (52.4k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

Tom: "Hey, that's pasta! He's the Amazing Colossal Lasagna now!"

scare.wav (118.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

"I uhh.." All: "AHH!!" Tom: "Don't ever do that! Jeez!"

toysrus.wav (76.8k) - #309, The Amazing Colossal Man

"I just don't want to grow anymore." Joel: "I'm a Toys R Us kid." "I don't want to grow anymore!" Joel: "I'm a Toys R Us kid!"

bong.wav (46.8k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"Do you think this is just a trumpet? No!" Joel: "It's a bong!"

fun.wav (51.7k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"Fun, fun, fun!" Crow: "That's nice. MOM!!"

ill.wav (41.4k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"Well, that's what I'm here for!" Crow: "I feel ill." Tom: "Me too."

listen.wav (32.0k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"You listen to him, Buzz!" Joel: "Or I'll kill you!"

perky.wav (25.5k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

Crow: "She's so perky! Kill her!"

psychotic.wav (43.8k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

Tom: "See Buzz, it's really fun to be psychotic!"

satan.wav (51.1k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"When he reaches for the spirit!" Tom: "Ah. Calls for Satan!"

sexless.wav (46.2k) - #319, War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural short)

"It sure does matter!" Tom: "Oh, excuse me sexless man-woman!"

easyspirit.wav (138.1k) - #404, Teenagers from Outer Space

Tom: "Those Easy Spirit pumps saved her hash!"

badmovie.wav (50.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "Hey, somebody filming a bad movie out here?"

halfhour.wav (69.5k) - #424, "Manos":The Hands of Fate

Tom: "So, what are we, about a half hour into this movie?" Joel: "No, I'm afraid not, it's more like a minute." Tom: "No.." Joel: "Yeah."

jail.wav (50.5k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate (Hired! Part 2 short)

"He worked that hard with every man he ever hired" Crow: "He got sent to jail for it."

leadership.wav (102.8k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate (Hired! Part 2 short)

Joel: "We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!"

manos1.wav (41.1k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "Manos!" Crow: "The Hands of Fate?" Joel: "Yes."

manos2.wav (47.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Crow: "Yes, it's Manos, The Hands of Fate!"

master.wav (83.8k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

"I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the master is away." Joel: "The master? Bobby Fisher?"

nowayout.wav (78.4k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

"There is no way out of here. It'll be dark soon. There is no way out of here." Joel: "It'll be dark soon."

protocol1.wav (105.5k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "These are my robots, Tom Servo and Crow, and I've installed in them a protocol module that makes them believe everything I think, say, or do is utterly brilliant." Crow: "And it is, Joel! God, yes!"

protocol2.wav (162.6k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Crow: "You always cut right to the heart of things, Joel!" Joel: "Yeah, I'm going to remove those modules." Tom: "No, no, no! Just shut me down completely!" Crow: "Jettison me into space, please!" Tom: "Oh yes, disconnect with extreme prejudice!" Crow: "You see this butt? Kick this butt!" Joel: "We'll be right back."

protocol3.wav (124.7k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "....protocol module, right there." Crow: "Don't touch me, don't ever touch me! You sorry..." Tom: *sniffs* Geez Joel, some small animal crawl inside your jumpsuit and die?" Joel: "There's the bots I know and love!"

realbitch.wav (50.7k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

"Hey Maggie, the damn car won't start!" Crow: "Yeah, that's a real bitch daddy."

snuff.wav (64.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Crow: "Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film." Joel: "Oh, the Mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it."

thriller.wav (52.1k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "Boy, this is a taut thriller, huh?" Crow: "Manos, The Hands of Fate."

torgotheme.wav (51.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Crow: "The haunting Torgo theme."

torgowalks.wav (84.9k) - #424, "Manos": The Hands of Fate

Joel: "That's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo." Crow: "Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?"

booze.wav (61.0k) - #507, I Accuse My Parents

Crow: "Brought to you by the Booze Council, because booze really satisfies." Joel: "Booze takes a dull party and makes it better!" Tom: "Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!" All: "B-double O-Z-E! Booze!"

cantimagine.wav (30.5k) - #512, Mitchell

Crow: "I can't imagine why Mitchell 2 never came out."

heroin.wav (52.8k) - #512, Mitchell

"What about the heroin, Mr. Cummins?" "Forget the heroin." Joel: "That's for dessert!"

joedonbaker.wav (78.2k) - #512, Mitchell

Dr. Forrester: " it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker." Mike: "You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?" Frank: "Oh, look.."

mitchell.wav (182.6k) - #512, Mitchell

Dr. Forrester: "Well, here it comes, Joel...Mitchell! It's uhh, super-secret spy, has a motorcycle, marooned in space, meets Hercules...or not! Uhh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send him the movie, Frank."

mitchelltheme.wav (155.6k) - #512, Mitchell

Joel: "Mitchell! Mitchell!" Tom: "I am the sandwich!" Joel: "Mitchell!" Tom: "Heart-poundin'!" Joel: "Mitchell!" Tom: "Veins cloggin'!" Both: "Mitchell! Wakka chikka wakka..."

moviesigns.wav (56.5k) - #512, Mitchell (Thanks Alicia!)

Joel: "I like the way you..." All: "MOVIE SIGNS!"

shaft.wav (95.3k) - #512, Mitchell

Tom: "Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?" Crow: "Mitchell!" Tom: "That Mitchell is one bad..." Crow: "Shut yo mouth!" Tom: "Just talking about Mitchell!" Crow: "Looks like Grendel."

slob.wav (72.0k) - #512, Mitchell

"There's a police investigation going on here." Joel: "Oh, there is? I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house."

slouch.wav (23.5k) - #512, Mitchell

Joel: "Mitchell, liscense to slouch."

outofafrica.wav (36.4k) - #802, Leech Woman

Tom: "Out of Africa." Mike: "No, no! There's more in the trunk!"

sceneoverthere.wav (40.9k) - #802, Leech Woman

Crow: "Why, that's our scene over there! What are we doing here? Gosh!"

creditserupt.wav (55.9k) - #803, The Mole People

Mike: "Mount Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the southern hemisphere."

milehigh1.wav (168.6k) - #803, The Mole People

Mike: "You know, I think I'll just have a slice of Crow's mile high merengue pie." Crow: "Oh, but it really is a mile high, Mike." Mike: "Oh, great." Crow: "5,280 feet straight up!" Mike: "Yeah, well, I like merengue." Crow: "Well, I have to go up there and cut it, you see." Mike: "I'll wait." Tom: "Start climbing!"

milehigh2.wav (184.9k) - #803, The Mole People

[Crow falls off the mile high pie] Mike: "Can I get that to go?"

wedgie.wav (19.7k) - #803, The Mole People

Crow: "Filmed in Wedgie Vision!"

corman.wav (34.9k) - #806, The Undead

Crow: "Corman's theory of directing: Light and get away!"

sleep.wav (22.3k) - #806, The Undead

Tom: "And now SLEEP!"

stay.wav (23.9k) - #806, The Undead

Mike: "I have a suggestion. STAY!"

why.wav (327.3k) - #806, The Undead

Observer: "The human though, hmm, all his answers read 'Why? Why? Why?'" Mike: Well, I'm kind of having a bad day. I'm better now, though. Crow bit me again."

black.wav (39.0k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!

Crow: "Filmed in glorious black and...slightly less black."

terror1.wav (60.3k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!

Tom: "Um, the terror should be underway at any moment now, so if you'll just be patient!"

terror2.wav (65.5k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!

Tom: "There seems to be some sort of delay on the terror. I'll just go in back and check what the problem is."

terror3.wav (36.8k) - #807, Terror from the Year 5000!

Tom: "Folks, I checked the stock, and terror is on back order."

infinity.wav (59.8k) - #808, The She Creature

Mike: "Well, here we go!" Tom: "To infinity and..." Crow: "Shh! Disney! Lawsuit!" Tom: "..and some other places!"

lombardi.wav (123.4k) - #808, The She Creature

Crow: "That's right, Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi is your friend FOREVER! Yeah, and I made him sticky so he's even more fun!"

stumpgrinder.wav (68.7k) - #808, The She Creature

Mike: "Man, if I ever wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one!" Tom: "Yeah, me too."

jerk.wav (44.4k) - #809, I Was a Teenage Werewolf

Tom: "Well know this, Captain James T. Jerk, your job is hanging by a thread."

killme.wav (38.8k) - #809, I Was a Teenage Werewolf

Crow: "Mike, I'm going to ask you to kill me now. Mike, please kill me!"

ending.wav (82.7k) - #811, Parts: The Clonus Horror

Crow: "You know, this doesn't look like it's heading toward a happy ending." Mike: "You know, any ending would make me happier than I've ever been." Crow: "That's true."

sandler.wav (49.7k) - #811, Parts: The Clonus Horror

"You saw the tape?" "Yeah, it's scary!" Crow: "Adam Sandler's in it!"

chicken.wav (45.7k) - #813, Jack Frost

Crow: "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken."

pigsleigh.wav (46.8k) - #813, Jack Frost

Crow: "Yes, every culture's mythology features the young hero chasing a pig sleigh."

scepter.wav (81.2k) - #813, Jack Frost

"Any living creature who touches my magic scepter will never wake up again." Crow: "Admittedly, it's a design flaw, but..."

unattractive.wav (32.6k) - #813, Jack Frost

Crow: "Proving again that slightly unattractive people are evil!"

disclaimer.wav (71.7k) - #814, Riding with Death

Mike: "All characters depicted are really stupid and disgusting." Tom: "Any similarity to actual persons would be really sad."

hand.wav (174.7k) - #814, Riding with Death

Crow: "You cut my hand up and serve it to me. Good. The thing is I'm so hungry, it looks good to me. Tom: "I know." Crow: "My own hand looks delicious! You see what you've done to me, Mike?! You see what you've done?!" Tom: "You folks'd better not see any more of this. We'll be right back." Crow: "Fry my head." Tom: "Not, the head, Crow, not the head, no!" Crow: "Go ahead!"

tvgm.wav (41.1k) - #814, Riding with Death

Crow: "For I am Turkey Volume Guessing Man!"

wells.wav (31.5k) - #814, Riding with Death

Tom: "Not THE H.G. Wells, Hud Gomer Wells."

bleeped.wav (479.1k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.

Crow: "This thing on? Oh, okay. Hi, I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent! Mike Nelson is 200% (bleep) not guilty! And if you (bleep) don't (bleep) find him innocent, you can just (bleep) kiss my fat (bleep) (bleep). And that (bleep) goes for your bull(bleep) court system too! Mike, I'm so (bleep) sorry I couldn't (bleep) be there for this (bleep) (bleep) completely bogus trial, man. But let me (bleep) tell you something Nelson, if I was there, I'd (bleep) kick everyone's fat, stupid mother(bleep) behinds, and then cram it up their (bleep) (bleep). Anyway Mike buddy, I hope this (bleep) helps. Take care, Mike!

outoforder.wav (105.6k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.

Pearl: "No, you're out of order!" Bobo: "No, you're out of order! You're out of order! The courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room is out of order!"

spymovie.wav (86.9k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.

Tom: "By this time in a James Bond movie there'd have been ten helicopter explosions, eight ski chases..." Mike: "This spy movie's just kinda hanging around the house."

vomiting.wav (26.3k) - #815, Agent for H.A.R.M.

Mike: "This movie can be used to induce vomiting."

dearjapan.wav (36.1k) - #816, Prince of Space

Tom: "Dear Japan, bite me! Love, Prince of Space."

ocean.wav (34.9k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach

Crow: "You know, come to think of it, the ocean really sucks."

pantyraid.wav (46.7k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach

Crow: "Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty raid."

shinola.wav (32.6k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach

Tom: "Authorities don't know shinola from that other stuff."

sodium.wav (355.1k) - #817, Horror of Party Beach

The Sodium Song

nowhere.wav (33.0k) - #818, Devil Doll

Mike: "Oh. That scene's going nowhere, let's try a new one!"

strudel.wav (18.6k) - #818, Devil Doll

Tom: "Bite me, I'm a Toaster Strudel!"

eyelashes.wav (333.7k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Crow: "Ohh, this is not good! Though Nelson promised a quick return of the nanite forces, the war for his eyelashes lasted well to December. Thousands were cut down defending a blasted little patch of Nelson's T-zone, known as Follicle Hill." Mike: "Would you guys knock it off? I mean, you're the ones who wanted this war anyway!" Tom: "It's too late to apologize now, Mike!" Crow: "Right." Mike: "Wait a minute, can't the nanites just fix themselves?" Tom: "Oh sure, no problem!" Mike: "Well then what..ow! Ow!"

kidsrunning.wav (172.0k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Mike: "You know, I wish the running would never stop!" Tom and Crow: "Yeah." Mike: "I mean it! I simply can't get enough shots of these kids running! No really! Literally, there is no limit to how much I want to see it!" Crow: "Just a little sarcastic maybe, Mike?" Mike: "Maybe just a touch."

outofmovie.wav (22.1k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Mike: "Let's get out of this movie! Step on it!"

spacechief.wav (94.6k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Tom: "You know, Space Chief should try going up into space sometime." Crow: "Yeah. He's more like Lower Atmosphere Chief." Mike: "Barely Off the Stupid Ground Chief."

stick.wav (45.7k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Crow: "A tiny stick! No! Cancel the invasion!"

stockfootage.wav (186.3k) - #819, Invasion of the Neptune Men

Crow: "So, do any of you guys know a song about stock footage that can get us through this?" Tom: "Oh, I know a song about stock footage. Goes like this...Da da da da da dum...Eat it movie!" Crow and Mike: "Whoa!" Tom: "Take this stupid little cockroach of a film, roll it up sooo tight, and then ram it right..." Mike: "Okay, okay. You're okay. You're all right."

bobjohnson.wav (42.1k) - #820, Space Mutiny

Crow: "Slate Fistcrunch!" Mike: "Buff Hardpeck!" Tom: "Bob Johnson!"

buckplankchest.wav (79.3k) - #820, Space Mutiny

Mike: "Buck Plankchest!" Crow: "Stump Junkman!" Tom: "Dirk Hardpeck!" Mike: "Rip Steakface!" Crow: "Flake Slabrock!" Tom: "Crud Bonemeal!"

edgeofseat.wav (93.7k) - #820, Space Mutiny

Crow: "I am on the edge of my seat! I should probably scoot back a little, it'd be more comfortable." Mike: "Yeah, you've got a lot more room there if you'd just go back."

future.wav (33.8k) - #820, Space Mutiny

Crow: "Wall-mounted keyboards. It must be the future!"

speedsof3.wav (31.1k) - #820, Space Mutiny

Crow: "Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of 3!"

baldness.wav (38.5k) - #821, Time Chasers

Tom: "You've got male pattern baldness!"

vermont.wav (37.1k) - #821, Time Chasers

Crow: "Filmed in Vermont, the other, smaller Wisconsin!"

anteater1.wav (66.2k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

"An anteater, maybe" Crow: "Whoa! Huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

anteater2.wav (44.8k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

"At least I'm not an anteater." Mike: "This movie just hates anteaters!" Crow: "Unbelievable!"

apathy.wav (29.7k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Crow: "You know, my apathy is palpable at this point."

died.wav (16.0k) - #822, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Crow: " I seem to have died. Is that okay?"

captaindork.wav (41.4k) - #903, Puma Man

Mike: "They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake."

flies.wav (35.9k) - #903, Puma Man

Crow: "Puma Man, he flies like a moron!"

pumaman.wav (88.2k) - #903, Puma Man

"The Puma Man!" Tom: "Does that sound right?" "The Puma Man!" Tom: "I think that's what I mean to say." "The Puma Man!" Tom: "Now it just sounds funny."

2485.wav (59.2k) - MST3K: The Movie

"There are 2486 parts" [crunch] Crow: "485, sir!"

boxes.wav (43.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

Mike: "Joe, I'm in one of these boxes! Find Me!

calculations.wav (100.5k) - MST3K: The Movie

Crow: "Wow, this is confusing! Mike, you want to hand me my calculations? Thank you! Well, look at that! Breach hull, all die..Even had it underlined!"

crappyplan.wav (50.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

"When I stop we'll pile out and take cover, fast!" Crow: "Sounds like a really crappy plan, but okay."

credits.wav (23.1k) - MST3K: The Movie

Crow: "Hey, who sneezed on the credits?"

dragnet.wav (128.7k) - MST3K: The Movie

Crow: "Exeter died on impact. Brack was arraigned in Superior Court, county of Los Angeles. In a moment, the results of that trial." Tom: "This Island Earth!"

flashgordon.wav (51.4k) - MST3K: The Movie

"Check the rate of radioactive decay" Crow: "Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around!"

hubble.wav (89.7k) - MST3K: The Movie

Tom: "What the hell?" Crow: "Hey Mike, you hit something! It's the Hubble! You killed the Hubble!"

landlady.wav (70.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

Mike: "Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!" *knocking sound* Tom: "Are you boys cooking up there?" Mike: "No." Tom: "Are you making an Interocetor?" Mike: "No!"

magnetized.wav (91.4k) - MST3K: The Movie

"Place your hands above the rails. They're magnetized." Mike: "And if your hands were metal that would mean something."

mikebroke.wav (40.4k) - MST3K: The Movie

Tom and Crow: "Mike broke the Hubble! Mike broke the Hubble!" Gypsy: "Boys!"

naughtyboy.wav (87.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

Dr. Forrester: "HAHAHA! I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty! Well..."

nocontrol.wav (46.2k) - MST3K: The Movie

"Cal, what's wrong?" "I have no control." Mike: "I keep eating and eating!"

normalview.wav (188.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

"That's enough, normal view." Tom, Crow, and Mike: "Normal view! Normal view! Normal view! NORMAL VIEW!"

notanalien.wav (71.6k) - MST3K: The Movie

"What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?" "I'm afraid I don't know the gentleman." Tom: "I'm not an alien!"

notmyfather.wav (32.3k) - MST3K: The Movie

"You know what my kids would say..." Tom: "You're not my real father!"

pants.wav (79.7k) - MST3K: The Movie

"Doctor, it's not possible that a man of your scientific curiosity wouldn't want to know who I am, where I come from..." Tom: "If I have pants on."

rando.wav (86.7k) - MST3K: The Movie

Mike: "The Amazing Rando!" Tom: "Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!" Crow: "Now we've never met before, have we?"

script.wav (43.0k) - MST3K: The Movie

Tom: "Ahh, the script has finally arrived!"

weenieman.wav (70.6k) - MST3K: The Movie

Crow: "This is a job for Weenie Man! Into the Weeniemobile, Weenie Man away!"

godzilla.wav (358.5k) - Summer Blockbuster Review

Crow: "We'd like to be able to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of (bleep). Even saying (bleep) will get the bejeebers sued out of you, so I've made my own giant lizard movie to offer as an alternative to (bleep). Enjoy, won't us? (Plays lizard movie) There. And it's Matthew Broderick free! And Mike paid a quarter to watch it, so it's already made more profit than (bleep).

24hour.wav (32.5k) - ?

Crow: "24-hour technical service?! Takes you 24 hours just to pick up the stupid phone!

barney.wav (263.7k) - ?

Mike: "Barney's been in a fire!" Crow: "I love you, you burn me!"

big_gulp.wav (76.7k) - ?

Joel: "I've got it. I walk around, totally naked, holding a Big Gulp Terminator 2 glass." Crow: "I could see you doing that."

biteme.wav (30.8k) - ?

Frank: "Oh bite me, it's fun!"

soylentgreen.wav (22.1k) - ?

Crow: "Soylent Green is made from people!"

lovetheme.wav (680.4k) - Love theme to MST3K

mst3k.mid (19.5k) - The opening theme to MST3K

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